Wealth and intimacy may seem like an odd combination
People tend to have a mixed view of wealth: It's good, it's bad ...
it helps, it hurts ...
it provides opportunity, it creates constraints ...
Our brains don't always know what to do with the word.
There is just so much dissonance around it.
Now, put the word "wealth" in the context of relationships and family, and we get even more dissonance.
Our brains go back and forth from analyzing and calculating (the wealth part) to loving and nurturing (the relationships part).
So much so that we often conclude we need to block the word "wealth" from our family conversations.
But wealth is not a word we (mass-affluent and high-net-worth people) can block.
It is part of our reality and needs to be part of our family conversations.
I define wealth as the range of choices and decisions we have as an individual and a family.
The greater the range of choices and decisions you have, the wealthier you are.
That makes the wealth conversation straightforward: What choices and decisions do you have in your family?
This makes wealth an intimate conversation When the word "wealth" enters the family system, it is always about intimacy.
It literally can't be any other way.
Intimacy is the purpose of the family system.
Our wealth choices and decisions encompass all aspects of our life-that's an intimate conversation.
They are at the center of the financial hopes and dreams that drive us-that's an intimate conversation.
They frame the everyday experiences and future opportunities we offer our children-that's an intimate conversation.
But wealth and wealth conversations don't always bring out intimate behavior.
Wealth often breeds secrecy and silence.
It can lead to denial and misalignment in our experiences.
And it can create a type of individualism and self-interest that doesn't consider relationships and families.
And when it comes to estate planning and passing on wealth, it can generate hierarchy behaviors.
It sounds like this: "We don't talk about wealth." "It's my money and my decision." "You don't need to know any of this." "You need to prove yourself." "You will know someday." "You get nothing." That's why I use the phrase "Wealth-Intimacy" To counteract the problematic behaviors that wealth and the concept of wealth can generate in our relationships and families, I use the phrase "Wealth-Intimacy." Wealth-with a hyphen-Intimacy is a new mental model.
It sets up a different set of choices for our brains and reframes the goal for any conversation about wealth.
In the event you think I am just playing games with language, let me explain.
Let's think about how these wealth topics can become wealth-intimacy conversations: A child asks for a new bike: Instead of "We can't afford that" or "Okay, no problem," try talking about how you make these choices in the family.
You can ask her about her wish for a new bike and discuss goals, savings, and trade-offs.
(Be careful not to do it in a parental "You should save for it" way.) You are thinking about a vacation: Instead of saying "I want to go to ...," start the conversation around what a vacation is for the family.
Hear different people's wishes and interests.
Co-create, in an age-appropriate way, how much you can spend.
(I have never understood why the cost of a vacation needs to be a secret, especially as kids get older.) Parents want to start gifting to their children annually: Instead of putting a check in a birthday card and saying, "Here, this is for you," discuss what gifting means to the family.
Talk about being generationally wealthy and how you are able to share wealth.
Connect around your kids' lifestyle needs and wishes and how the gift can expand their range of choices and decisions.
(And remember not to attach strings to a gift.) You are doing estate planning: Instead of taking a "You will know my plans when you need to" approach, ask your family what they would like to know.
Choose a few estate planning topics and discuss what you are thinking.
Get their voice and even ask them what they would do.
(You still get the final vote, so don't be afraid to listen.) Do you feel the wealth-intimacy?
I think you can feel the wealth-intimacy in these reframed scenarios.
I define intimacy as "talk about anything." The more you can talk about, the more potential you have for intimacy.
When you expand what you can talk about related to your wealth choices and decisions, you create more intimacy-wealth-intimacy-in your relationships and families.
talk about your wealth-intimacy.