How should we plan for our grandchildren?
When I first became a grandparent, my therapist colleague Steve gave me some advice.
He said, "Your only job is to play.
Come in the door, get down on their level, and ask, 'What are we going to do today?'" What great advice.
I now have 11 grandchildren, and I can say it has been transformational for me and my family.
While his advice didn't tell me everything I needed to know about grandparenting, it gave me a really useful frame for navigating family relationships during this stage of life.
We don't often think about grandparenting as a complex role.
We are dealing with three generations of relationships.
And our grandchildren are someone else's children, not ours.
At least not in how we sometimes act.
Somewhere in our psyche, we view grandchildren as a natural extension of our own children, and parenting just oozes out.
That's where it can get messy.
Parenting someone else's children can be a problem No matter how helpful we try to be, parenting someone else's children can be a problem.
Here's why: I am a grandparent, not a parent.
With that title comes the unique privilege to form a "non-parenting" relationship with my grandchildren around fun, connection, questions, talking, and insights.
It actually gives me a "redo" on learning how to play (since I'm not sure I did it well as a parent).
If I wander too far from that role, it can be confusing to the grandchildren.
"Parenting" always assumes an approach and value base.
And what do we assume?
That our approach and values are the same as our children's.
We think, "Of course they want me to 'help' parent." (And "I know better" is sometimes implied.) But we have to be careful with our assumptions.
As parents, we are used to making decisions for our kids.
But when it comes to grandchildren, everything from buying sweets and toys to financial help and generational wealth planning should be a conversation with our children and their spouses or partners.
It's not "fun" or good grandparenting when you do things their parents don't want, no matter how much kids love ice cream.
This applies to generational wealth planning What I didn't realize when Steve first gave me the "just play" advice is how that mindset extends to my generational wealth planning.
Grandparents are not the parents in that arena either.
We shouldn't assume we have the right to make whatever gifting and planning decisions we want (even if it happens to be a good tax planning strategy).
I have seen many situations where grandparents have stepped over the parents with their planning.
It has happened in everything from opening 529 educational accounts (when the parents had already done it) to passing on wealth in a trust (even after the parents said they didn't want their children to have trusts).
I have also been part of hard conversations where parents used their gifting as a way to parent their children and grandchildren.
In one case, the grandparents offered to help their daughter buy a new house IF she moved her family out of the city, because "the city isn't a good place to raise kids." In another situation, the grandparents said they would pay for the grandkids' education IF they went to a certain school.
The point is, no matter how benevolent we are, if we "parent" through money and planning, it violates the rights of the parents.
And it can drive a wedge between a child and the in-law spouse, as well as between the in-law and grandparents.
Here are a few hints for being a grandparent 1.
Hold your views loosely about your children's parenting and your interest in "helping." Here is the irony.
Right at the (grandparent) age when I think I've earned the right to say anything I want at any time, I actually haven't-and can't-within my family.
At least not as an unfiltered opinion.
It's not that I can't share my thoughts or concerns.
But I need to hold my views loosely and express them with openness and curiosity.
I try to remember that my children are parenting in a different time, managing iPads and the challenges of a pervasive digital environment.
And I remind myself that my grandchildren are from a different gene pool with different nuclear families.
Ask your children about their expectations around grandparenting and planning.
When our first grandchild was about to be born, I called my son and his wife and said, "We have never been grandparents before.
How do you want us to show up at the time of the birth?
Two weeks later?" We needed to hear their wishes.
They said, "We'd love to have you there that day or the next, if that works for you." That's what we did.
In any area-whether births, holidays, vacations, or generational wealth planning-I try not to assume I can do what I want.
Cultivate a special relationship with your in-laws as parents of your grandchildren.
It's easy to forget that our grandchildren aren't just our children's children.
They are our in-laws' children too.
When we see grandchildren as an extension of our own children, we may impose our expectations, values, and decisions on their family.
That's why I am very intentional about engaging my in-laws around their parenting and my planning.
I want to honor that my grandchildren are "their" children.
Let's make it a conversation The real goal is to make grandparenting and generational wealth planning an intentional and ongoing family conversation.
There are different seasons and different needs in every family.
I can't even assume that my four children want me to engage with the grandchildren or plan for each of them in the same way.
All we can do is keep talking to them about it.
what grandparenting conversations do you need to have?