How can I involve my children in planning?
The question of involving children in our later-in-life planning is not as straightforward as my article title might suggest.
Speaking as both a planning professional and a baby boomer with four millennial children and in the thick of the planning process, I know there are mixed views on if-and how-to involve the next generation.
Data from the Later-in-life Conversations Study of The Generations Project SM confirms that it is not a straightforward issue.
As a group, the senior generation ranks legal and financial planning as their most relevant later-in-life topic, out of the 14 we explored.
And yet, of those who specifically rank legal and financial planning as their most relevant topic, only 14% are talking to their children about it.
And 42% of baby boomers say that "actively talking" to their family means disclosing their thinking.
1 I am working hard to involve my family in my planning, because I believe we all should.
For those who know me, I don't use "should" very often in the family space.
I know that each family situation is different and that you can't prescribe the same approach for every family.
AND I still believe this is a "should." Here is why we should involve our children First, our children are impacted by our planning decisions.
Everything from our health directives and power of attorney to our choice of executor and how we pass on our assets will impact them in some way.
One of my relationship guiding principles is this: If someone is impacted by a decision, they should minimally have a voice and maybe a vote.
Second, our kids want to know how to navigate this later-in-life season with us.
In the later-in-life research, the next generation ranks peace of mind as their number one topic.
(We defined peace of mind as having the information, transparency, and conversations they need.) And when it comes to being named as a beneficiary, 76% of the next generation say they want to be informed if they are named.
2 Third, we are part of a family system that is "wired together." That means anything that happens in one part of the system flows through the "wiring" and everyone experiences it in some way.
When people don't know what is being planned for their future, there is what I call "wondering anxiety"-chronic anxiety about what may happen in the future-flowing through the whole system.
Fourth, transparency is a prerequisite for closeness through time.
We all know that silence, avoidance, and secrecy have the potential to create distance in our relationships.
And the research shows that the people who are most confident that their plans will bring closeness are having more active conversations than those with less confidence.
Let's get to the pragmatic "how tos" I consider myself a very pragmatic "how-to" visionary.
I have a passionate vision for helping families work together.
And I am committed to offering pragmatic advice to help them do it.
I am also working hard to involve my children in my planning process.
So here are a few "how to" hints from my family experiences.
Distinguish between voice and vote.
Be clear that you are offering your children a voice, but that doesn't mean you're setting up vote.
There may be times when you want them to decide, like if you're planning to give them a particular heirloom or asset, but you need to clarify when that is.
Break planning topics into manageable parts and have bite-size talks.
My family has "micro-meetings." A recent meeting focused on how my wife Allison and I will handle a family property in our wills.
Turn your current thinking into questions rather than disclosing decisions.
Allison and I are thinking that our business properties should be sold, not passed on, but why wouldn't we turn that into a question and ask our kids for their thoughts on that approach?
Tease out any planning decisions that have to do with the grandchildren.
Ask the parents individually, versus making it a group conversation, and be sure to include the in-law parent.
Don't let their input turn into a debate.
When we have a meeting, I make it clear that I want to hear everyone's views as standalone thinking.
We don't need the siblings debating with each other.
Know your family "tendencies" and reflectively manage them.
Meaning, if you have a tendency to interrupt each other, coach each other not to.
Our family has a tendency to have snarky humor, and we all need to make sure not to go too far and make it personal.
You don't need to wait until you feel prepared to talk with them In the Later-in-Life Conversations Study , "I don't feel prepared" was the number one reason parents don't talk to their children about later-in-life topics.
And here is the point: You don't have to feel prepared.
You just need to start the conversation.
Be willing to take their thinking on board.
Then, ask more questions.
are you ready to start the process?
Habbershon and Joshua A.
Morris, Later-in-Life Conversations Study , The Generations Project of the Fidelity Center for Family Engagement (Boston, MA: Fidelity Investments, 2024).
[2] Habbershon and Morris, 2024.