What are you ready to talk about?
When Johan's son and daughter left after dinner, his wife, Paula, was noticeably quiet.
Eventually, she said, "I know they are your kids, but I'm not sure shutting down their questions is helpful.
They are doing planning of their own and just wondering how our planning might impact theirs.
That sounds responsible to me.
And I know you have thoughts about giving to our grandbabies." "Trying to answer their questions is a good idea in theory, but I don't think we're ready for that," replied Johan.
"Everything isn't locked down.
What if things change in the future?
And I'm not sure you and I agree on everything yet." Johan isn't alone in putting off family conversations.
Data from the Later-in-Life Conversations Study shows that 87% of baby boomers have emotional resistors to talking about later-in-life planning, with the number one resistor being "I don't feel prepared to talk about it." We can never feel fully ready when we are planning for the unknown future.
Paula did have some different views.
As a stepmother, she wanted as much transparency as possible.
She didn't want to be left explaining things to his kids someday.
And she also wanted to hear about their planning priorities.
When we view planning as one big topic and think it all has to be solved before we talk to our family, we will never feel ready.
Instead, we can shift our mindset to be more incremental.
When families avoid talking because people don't feel "ready," they miss an opportunity to connect with what's important in each other's lives.
That's what Paula intuitively understood.
When our plans impact other people's lives, we owe it to them to explore their thinking.
How often do we feel "ready" to have transparent and vulnerable life conversations-on any topic-with family members?
Get started Reduce complexity and vulnerability by teasing out the different parts of planning and having incremental "one topic at a time" conversations.
Senior generation Ask family members what would bring them more peace of mind around your planning and let their answers direct the conversation.
Next generation Don't overload a planning conversation with all your questions or curiosities.
Be specific about what feels important to you and why.