How to proactively talk about cognitive decline
One afternoon over tea, Ella asked her mother, Rose, a vulnerable question.
"Do you ever wonder what will happen if you end up with dementia like Nana did?" Given that Rose was now in her mid-70s, and her mother's dementia had set in around age 80, it was a fair question.
Embrace the discomfort of asking questions about a potentially sensitive topic.
"All the time," said Rose.
"So how come we don't talk about it?" asked Ella.
Rose paused and then replied, "Because I assume that if I tell you kids I misplaced my keys or forgot what I was looking for at the supermarket, you'll think I'm losing it and stick me in a home." Rose's response points to the role fear can play in keeping families from talking about cognitive decline.
Parents may fear a loss of independence.
And children may fear that raising the topic will have an impact on their relationship with a parent.
When you feel frozen by a fear, switch to talking about wishes.
The hesitation Ella and Rose experienced is consistent with the findings of the Later-in-Life Conversations Study .
We learned that as baby boomers approach age 70, there is a drop in family conversations around three topics directly related to mental acuity: dependence and dependent care, decision-making and control, and thinking ahead to a health incident.
But cognitive decline is a later-in-life topic that's particularly important for families to have proactive conversations about.
As symptoms of decline appear, fear-based defenses to addressing it can compound and keep the family from emotionally and physically preparing for care.
When discussing vulnerable topics, stay emotionally present and be curious about each other's experience.
So how can you avoid fear being an obstacle to talking about later-in-life topics?
Make fear the topic of conversation.
Here are some practice hints for addressing vulnerable later-in-life topics like cognitive decline.
When Ella humbly asked, "Do you ever wonder ...?" she created a space for mother and daughter to imagine the future and start a proactive and ongoing conversation.
Acknowledge that there is a great deal of vulnerability around conversations about aging.
Get started Step into each other's vulnerabilities by acknowledging the risks people are feeling.
It sounds like, "It feels really scary to imagine what dependent living might look like." Senior generation Talking about your vulnerabilities and fears invites your family to join you in the aging journey.
Next generation If you see defensiveness or avoidance in your parents around aging, know that it is fear based, and find ways to ask about their wishes.