How to create more closeness through the planning process
"I did something really fun today," Vik said to his wife, Kavita.
"I opened 529 accounts for all three grandbabies' education and made an initial deposit in each one." Kavita and Vik had both grown up without a lot of money.
After college, they immigrated to the United States, began successful careers in tech and finance, and were now in a position to offer financial support to their children and grandchildren.
"That's wonderful," said Kavita.
"I just wonder if we should have talked to the kids.
They may have wanted a say in a financial decision related to their children.
They might even have college funds established already or have different views." Involving people in your planning is a way to honor your relationships and roles.
This was not the response Vik was expecting.
He was focused on providing for his family and ensuring the success of his long-term financial plans.
He hadn't considered the impact his actions might have on his children or his relationship with them.
In our Later-in-Life Conversations Study , we found that among baby boomers who are confident that their wishes will be carried out, only 18% believe that their planning will create closeness in relationships.
This isn't surprising, because like Vik, we don't always consider the emotional and relational parts of planning.
We often get into problem-solving mode (and the fun of it) and take a more functional "get it done" approach.
Even our generosity can feel functional if we are not careful.
Step into the emotional-relational aspects of the later-in-life planning process.
So how can we plan in a way that creates more closeness?
Here are some practices to consider.
Assess the relationship impact of your planning by exploring how people are experiencing your decisions and conversations.
Get started Ask how your decisions and conversations might be creating closeness or distance.
It sounds like, "Is this approach bringing us closer together or creating distance?" Senior generation Check in with your family by asking "what" and "how" process questions: "What are your thoughts on the meeting?" "How are you feeling about this process?" Next generation Ask your parents "what" and "how" process questions about your interests and interactions: "What are your thoughts on the meeting?" "How are you feeling about my questions?"