How family roles can impact decision-making
When Mike and Krista arrived home from a weekend with her family, there was tension between them.
During the visit, there had been several informal group conversations about her parents' estate planning.
This was normal for Krista's family, but it was very different from how Mike's family approached financial topics.
On their way home, Krista had said, "I wish your parents would talk to us more about their planning." After sitting silently for a while, Mike tersely replied, "You know that's not how it works in my family." After their kids were in bed, Krista explained that her comment wasn't a jab at his family.
It was just a wish for a conversation about decisions that would impact them.
Calmer now, Mike said, "I think we are so used to Dad making the decisions that we don't even think to ask.
I'd also like to talk more openly, but I don't know if that's possible." Talk at the "wish" level to express your thinking, rather than debate a topic.
Early on in their marriage, Mike's parents had aligned around the roles they would play in the family.
His father had taken on the sole duty of handling the financial affairs.
He would occasionally update the family on something, but mostly, there was no conversation about his planning decisions.
The Later-in-Life Conversations Study discovered that Mike's father is definitely not alone as a "nontalker." Baby boomers who identify themselves as a "primary decision-maker" and who rate legal and financial planning as their "most relevant" later-in-life topic are not talking to their families.
(Only 19% actively talk to their spouses about it, and only 14% actively talk to their children.) Many families default to assigned roles that dictate how conversation dynamics and decisions play out.
For Mike, his siblings, and their mother, not asking about the father's decisions was viewed as "being supportive." Over time, the family culture became one where no one asked about any planning topic.
Be nonjudgmental when exploring the thinking and beliefs behind someone's behaviors.
So how can families break out of this role-based freeze in their planning?
They can more intentionally talk about roles and responsibilities.
Here are some reflective questions to explore with your family.
Though Mike's family situation is common, it doesn't need to be the default in your family.
Try a little humble exploration to see how you might expand your thinking on roles and create opportunities for people to be more involved in the planning process.
Explore the mental models around planning roles that you default to in your family of origin.
Get started Surface and explore your mental models around planning roles by asking, "What are the beliefs and assumptions about how decisions should be discussed and made?" Senior generation Pause and reflect on the beliefs and assumptions behind your planning process and then communicate them to your family.
Next generation Explore your family of origin's beliefs and practices around planning in order to acknowledge that couples have had different formative experiences.