How do you handle uncertainty in your family?
"Well, it's fine for you to 'let it play out,' because you like keeping everything open," Alli said.
"But that's not what works for me.
I would like to know where we will be living in five years.
And by the way, Aubrey, the kids also want to know." We all handle uncertainty differently.
In families, those differences can create tension when it comes to thinking about the future.
Alli saw retirement planning as a way to reduce uncertainty, whereas her husband, Aubrey, saw it as a way to create as much flexibility as possible.
They were stuck in a debate trying to agree.
It had become a relationship tennis match-hitting views back and forth trying to win the point.
Their three adult children were aware of the debate.
It left them somewhat unsettled, and they didn't know if their views were part of the conversation or not.
In the Later-in-Life Conversations Study , next generation family members ranked peace of mind-having the information and transparency they need-as their most relevant topic.
Yet 61% of the senior generation are either not willing or not actively talking to their children about it.
Rather than debating their own views, Alli and Aubrey could focus on thinking and planning together to bring the whole family more peace of mind.
Our individual choices and decisions impact everyone because a family system is "wired together." Instead, couples and families can step out of debate and focus on aligning around each other's feelings and interests.
Here is what alignment could look like for Alli and Aubrey.
Alignment is creating a shared understanding that sets your family up to move in the same direction.
At some point, Alli and Aubrey will need to decide how they want to live in retirement.
But if they begin with a focus on alignment, the eventual decision will be based on a deeper understanding of everyone's perspective.
For example, a "What if?" possibility they discussed was having a modest "home base" near the kids and then traveling and renting to explore future lifestyle options.
Getting stuck debating to agree can create stress in our relationships and intensify our anxiety around uncertainty.
Get started Expand your mental models-beliefs about how things work-on who should be involved in planning discussions by asking, "Who will this decision impact?" Senior generation An ongoing debate indicates that you are not exploring each other's perspectives and need to move from volleying opinions to asking questions.
Next generation When you are uncertain about what role you play in a family conversation, ask if you can share your thoughts about what's important to you.