Giving your family voice doesn't mean giving up control
Siblings Ming and David were having dinner with their cousin Joe to celebrate his 40th birthday.
"How's Uncle Ken?" asked Joe, referring to Ming and David's father.
"I was flattered when he asked me to be the executor of his estate.
It makes a lot of sense, since I deal with these things all the time in my law practice." Ming and David looked at each other.
After dinner, they talked privately.
Why were they hearing this for the first time from Joe?
Why hadn't their father asked for their input?
They decided to meet with Ken to talk about it.
We can attribute positive motives when we are curious about people's decisions.
When Ming and David met with their dad, they asked, "What led you to choose Joe as executor?" Ken replied, "I've always respected Joe, and he seemed like the perfect choice." When the kids asked for more detail, Ken said he had been conflicted about who should be the executor.
"It's a big responsibility, and you two are very busy.
I considered hiring a professional but wanted to keep it in the family, so Joe seemed like a great option." Be open and curious when exploring other people's thinking, not judgmental.
"It's not that we disagree," said Ming.
"We know that the choice is yours.
But we wish we could have talked before you put it in place.
We will be affected by how your estate is handled." David added, "I guess I always thought Ming and I would do it together." Realizing the impact of his decision, Ken explained, "I guess I just thought it was my decision to make.
I also wanted to avoid disagreement or being forced into a decision.
I see now that I could have sought your voices without losing control over the outcome." For the family, there were a few lessons in this experience.
First, they were reminded that a humble and curious approach makes conversation possible.
If the kids had demanded answers, it could have put Ken on the defensive.
Second, they all saw the difference between having a voice and having a vote.
Explain up front when you are having a "voice, not vote" conversation.
Coming out of their conversation, they settled on a new guiding principle.
As Ken navigates various later-in-life decisions, he will seek voice from his children.
And they will always respect his right to have the final vote.
Separate voice from vote to increase everyone's comfort with family having input into your planning.
Get started Explain Voice-Vote.
It sounds like, "This is a voice conversation, and we will keep the 'vote' with us as we consider options." Senior generation Talk to your family about wanting to hear their views and then just listen to what they say without sharing yours.
Next generation Acknowledge that having input into your parents' planning doesn't have to lead to any change in how they make decisions.