Avoiding health and care conversations?
"When my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, I've got to be honest, there was some anger for my brother and me," Tom said.
"For three years, we had tried to get him to address his symptoms and have a colonoscopy, but Dad just refused." The sons' stress was compounded by their father's lack of health directives.
"Dad told us that he and my stepmother would make decisions for each other.
He said, 'We don't need you kids involved, and I'm not discussing it.'" It is natural to want to avoid health and care conversations.
They can be vulnerable and threaten our sense of control.
So, it wasn't surprising when the Later-in-Life Conversations Study found that thinking ahead to an unexpected health incident was the topic the senior generation was most unwilling to talk about.
Reflect on how significantly health and care topics will impact your family through time.
At the heart of health and care conversations are our wishes and fears.
That makes it a hard topic to talk about-and it's also what can unlock the conversation.
Wishes and fears are flip sides of each other: "I have a fear of talking about my health and end-of-life care" ...
"I wish I could tell people how I would like my care to go." If you're in a situation like Tom's, start by asking people about their wishes.
Then flip it around and ask about their fears.
Family members can align around just hearing each other's wishes and fears on all topics.
Tom's situation was a worst-case scenario.
His father got an infection and died after surgery, without the kids knowing what he wanted.
And during his father's decline, his stepmother had a stroke and became incoherent, but they were not empowered to make decisions for her.
Tom said afterward, "A simple Wish-Fear conversation could have made all of this more bearable." Scenario planning for possible future events can be a regular part of your family's health and care planning conversations.
Get started Your family could run "What if?" scenarios to explore people's thinking-an accident, prolonged illness, dependent living, ongoing care, dementia, etc.
Senior generation When health and care is a private "don't talk about it" topic, it's a burden for our families.
Ask them what they want to know.
Next generation Health and care is a vulnerable topic for your parents, so it's important to explore their wishes and fears with empathy and humility.