Parent-child behavior can shut down later-in-life conversations
Insights from qualitative research interviews with parents and adult children.
Parent-child dynamics have a significant impact on later-in-life conversations in families.
And new research findings from The Generations Project shed light on how this relationship hierarchy shapes what families are-and are not-talking about.
Across 18 in-depth interviews with parents and adult children, we saw how the parents' personal life-stage beliefs and communication style can determine the nature of later-in-life conversations.
As we listened, we discovered that their perspectives on what can and cannot be talked about did not always consider the larger family interests.
Here are six findings that show how parents set the conversational agenda in families.
Each illustrates a different type of emotional resistor that keeps families from talking.
Our hope is that hearing these insights from our research stories will help you and your family reflect on your approach to vulnerable later-in-life topics.
Readiness-"I'm not ready to talk about it." One theme is that parents "declare" when they are ready to talk about something (and how they want to talk about it).
Parents did not generally allow others to have input on what "ready" might mean to the family.
The question is, how can parents hold in tension the feeling that they are not ready with the needs of others who might want to talk about a topic?
What this resistor sounds like: "They always want to talk about everything." "I don't have all the information I want." "We have plenty of time." "I will decide who knows what when." How to start talking: Children can share why starting the conversation now feels important to them.
What families said: Jordan, 68, doesn't think conversations are necessary yet because she's still in good health: "Some [conversations], I feel like it's not really necessary at this point in time....
I feel we're still young enough that we're not ready to sort of talk about that in any uncertain terms." Theo, 64, on what is needed in order to plan for the later-in-life stage: "A capable person who is organized, goal oriented, and can finish.
Emotion and money are not involved with each other.
This is what should happen, and you don't need a whole lot of discussion." Children can share why starting the conversation now feels important to them.
Burden-"I don't want to be a burden to my children." A dominant spoken and implied theme is "I don't want to be a burden." Here is the challenge.
While the sentiment is often genuine, the parent is still making an assumption based on their beliefs about a child's perspective and circumstances.
Not allowing children to share in evaluating what is and is not a burden sets up one-sided characterizations of the situation.
What this resistor sounds like: "They are busy." "It will worry them if I talk about my health." "I can manage it." "I'm in a better position to deal with it than them." "They have their kids to deal with." How to start talking: Children can explore their parents' views on what "being a burden" means.
What families said: Theo, 64, feels capable and therefore leaves his son out of planning: "I'll share what I am doing but not the planning process.
I do not want to be a burden.
I am in a better position of what is right for me than Ben." Sofia, 30, views dependent living differently than her parents: "Whenever I'm looking at houses, I'm always looking at ones that have an in-law unit with them.
Because ideally, I would like to have [my parents] live with me, and they're just kind of like, oh, we couldn't possibly put you out.
But I'm like, no, intergenerational housing is the future." Children can explore their parents' views on what 'being a burden' means.
Sanctioned child-"I choose which child to talk to." A "sanctioned child" is one deemed by the parent to be easiest and best suited for them to talk to.
The choice is most often based on the style and interests of the parents.
It is also influenced by the attributions parents have about the traits and roles of their children.
This dynamic puts pressure on both the sanctioned child and the "outsiders" who are left to sort out where they belong in the process.
What this resistor sounds like: "I talk best with her." "He doesn't know finances." "She isn't interested in planning." "He is too emotional." "He asks too many questions." "She has too many opinions." How to start talking: Families can talk about who plays what role and how information gets shared.
What families said: Arthur, 70, on why he made his son, and not his daughter, the executor of his will: "My son is the more reasonable of the children; he goes with the flow." Jordan, 68, (Sofia's mother) talks with her daughter and leaves her son out of the loop: "We talk about it, my husband and I and my daughter, about how difficult my son could sometimes be.
He's a real introvert, and he doesn't tell us things....
We have everything set up in our trust, and my daughter will be in charge of it." Families can talk about who plays what role and how information gets shared.
Life stage-"I'm not in 'later-in-life' yet." This resistor is evident when parents or family members adopt a definition of "later-in-life" that takes the whole family out of the experience.
By deciding that this phase or time period doesn't apply to them yet, individuals push all later-in-life topics off to "someday" conversations.
And once a decision is made (by anyone), their view tends to determine what is considered relevant to talk about.
What this resistor sounds like: "I'm not later-in-life.
That's my mother." "Later-in-life is when I'm ready for a nursing home." "I'm not that old yet." "Mom isn't that old." "There is lots of time to talk about that stuff." How to start talking: Family members can talk about what topics are important to them, versus one person deciding.
What families said: Alex, late 60s, sees "later-in-life" as farther down the road: "My parents are in their 80s, but I wouldn't consider them 'later-in-life'.
My grandmother was in a nursing home, and that's later-in-life to me....
I plan to work until my 70s; later-in-life will be when I retire.
I think I'll be like my mom, that's my hope, vibrant and full." Sofia, 30, doesn't view her parents as "later-in-life" because they're healthy: "So with my parents, later-in-life to me feels like when they need extra support...
like when we might need to talk about transitioning them out of their current house.
Or if, God forbid, some sort of health scare came up, something like that....
My parents, even though they're almost 70, aren't quite later-in-life 'cause they're very healthy, very spry." Family members can talk about what topics are important to them, versus one person deciding.
Checked it off-"I've done it all for you." This is an "I've checked it off the list, and we are all good" approach.
Once again, this is most often a genuine planning sentiment on the parents' part, AND it can still shut down conversations.
Concluding that the functional-financial aspects of planning are all that matter steps over the emotional-relational experience family members may be having.
What this resistor sounds like: "I put everything in the binder." "I showed them the lockbox, and they know who to call." "I will give them everything when I'm finished." "Don't worry, everything's taken care of." How to start talking: Children can invite their parents to talk about the emotional-relational parts of planning.
What families said: Clara, 65, has shown her children where to find basic information: "They both [Jade and brother] have the copy of my will.
I physically dragged [my daughter] in.
Here is the lockbox....
If something happens, here is where you go first." Jordan, 68, and her husband have a documented power of attorney and don't need further discussion: "Well, I mean, it doesn't come up regularly because we've already set all that up.
It's a document that you set.
So, all of that's already done." Eli, 70, believes that because he's discussed end-of-life planning with his wife, his daughter has peace of mind: "Everything's in a nicely organized three-ring binder for each of us....
I would say my daughter, Zoe, would be comfortable, because she doesn't have to do anything." Children can invite their parents to talk about the emotional-relational parts of planning.
Parental differences-"We just have different views." A lack of alignment between parents, or stark differences in communication styles, puts pressure on children to figure out how to engage in planning conversations.
Whether married or divorced, when parents aren't aligned or are not willing to modulate their different behaviors, the later-in-life conversations become a series of one-off, catch-as-catch-can talks driven by the children.
What this resistor sounds like: "Call your father." "Talk to your mom." "We haven't talked about that." "We don't talk about that." "Deal with him/her." "You don't need to worry.
That's their problem." How to start talking: Children can share how their parents' individual behaviors impact them and their relationship.
What families said: Ben, 43, navigates different dynamics with his parents: "My parents are such different people....
My mom and I have had all these [planning] conversations...
but my dad is the opposite." Sofia, 30, has mutual exchanges with her mother but mostly informs her father: "When I call my dad, it's pretty one-sided....
He doesn't share that much.
With my mother, it's pretty two-sided.
Jade, 36, is more involved in her mother's planning: "Luckily, my father remarried someone younger, and she is going to change his diapers when he is older....
And so, we don't really have that conversation.
But my mom and I have had a very frank conversation....
She's made sure that I have access to all of her information, all of her files, all of her passwords for her computers.
She has been really clear and transparent with me." Children can share how their parents' individual behaviors impact them and their relationship.