Make money and wealth conversations part of your parenting
Five hints to help you practice developmental peership with your children.
Last year, I was seated on a plane in the row after business class when a little girl walked by with her mother and asked, "This is 'unfirst class,' right?" It was a perfect developmental moment.
She was trying to make sense of her experience by testing what she was seeing against what she knew.
As parents, sense-making around money and wealth topics is a key developmental role we play with our children.
We talk about everyday money topics like an allowance, things they want to buy, opening a bank account, or what they will do with a birthday check.
And, as my little airplane friend's mother did as she walked down the aisle, we also help our kids make sense of their experiences around wealth.
From the family home to the vacations we take, the cars we drive, and the money we are saving for their future, wealth is part of our everyday experiences.
Sense-making around money and wealth topics is a key developmental role we play with our children.
Peership is the developmental goal of families Yet we are often hesitant to talk about money and wealth topics with our children, especially as they get older and the financial stakes get higher.
What if we flipped that thinking on its head?
What if we viewed money and wealth as a primary sense-making arena for practicing peership in our family?
Peership simply means creating a sense of mutuality and respect through our communication and relationship behavior at every age.
We know what it looks like.
From the time our children can talk, we start seeking their voice and views and giving them new ranges of choices and decisions.
It is the developmental goal of families because it's how children develop a healthy identity.
And intentionally practicing peership is how families grow and change through each stage of life.
Intentionally practicing peership is how families grow and change through each stage of life.
Here are five hints to help you practice developmental peership with your children around money and wealth.
Create safety so they will raise topics they want to talk about When our children are trying to make sense of things they don't fully understand, they need to feel safe raising a topic and exploring it with us.
We all know what "safe" feels like.
And it begins with our tone of voice-the primary moderator of safety.
What is your tone when you talk to your children about everyday money and family wealth topics?
Do you sound irritated?
We can practice being "safe" and developmental through our tone of voice.
What tone would make it safe for your children to talk about their spending habits or saving and investing options?
Be genuinely curious so you can step into their experience One of the most fun (and tiring) parts of children is their insatiable curiosity.
That's why reciprocal curiosity is so important for their development.
They are curious, so we need to be curious and step into their experience with them, no matter what our preconceived views are.
A simple skill is asking open-ended questions starting with "what" or "how," rather than closed-ended "yes/no" or "why" questions.
Then, listen for an emotional or meaningful key word and ask a follow-up question using that same word.
It sounds like, "What do you want to do with your money on vacation?" followed with "What makes you 'worried' you won't have enough?" Or it sounds like, "How are you thinking about our role in your budget for college?" followed by "Tell me more about 'helping' with an apartment." We need to be curious and step into our children's experience with them.
Acknowledge you don't know "everything" so they feel comfortable exploring We know a lot more about life than our children.
But if we always assert our views in absolute terms, it shuts down their sense-making curiosity and reinforces the hierarchy in the relationship.
Instead, practice an in-the-moment humility that acknowledges you don't know everything.
When talking with your kids, create space with doubt by avoiding absolute "power" phrases like "never," "always," or "have to." Instead, use "doubt" language to invite your children into conversation.
It sounds like, "Maybe we could talk about saving for that ..." or "I'm wondering what 'needing that' means ..." or "How are you thinking about reinvesting that ...?" The older our children get, the more important this skill becomes.
(Battles with teenagers and young adults are often rooted in parent-child back-and-forth "You always" ...
"You must" language.) 4.
Embrace the reality of multiple truths so they can navigate choices and decisions Learning to navigate choices and decisions is at the heart of how children develop their identity.
If parents stay in a hierarchy "telling" mode, or present everything as "right" or "wrong," children can't explore a full range of options or emotions.
When a child understands they can be both nervous and excited to try a new experience, they can better navigate the decision.
Around money and wealth, we can help our children know that yes, it's okay to want something, even a big something ...
and delaying getting it isn't saying no.
Yes, too much money can demotivate a child ...
and wealth can stimulate thinking about opportunities.
Yes, you got accepted into an amazing college ...
and the financial realities could be hard for us.
Learning to navigate choices and decisions is at the heart of how children develop their identity.
Imagine possibilities so you can explore them together Children and young adults naturally explore possibilities for the future in their play and critical thinking.
Parents, for lots of reasons (mostly because we are tired all the time), often work to limit what is possible.
This can be especially true around money and wealth, where we often don't want our children to know or explore the full range of options and possibilities available to them.
But what if we supported their development by intentionally helping them test and expand their thinking?
I call these "What if?" thought experiments.
you could go on any vacation?" "What if ...
we partnered to pay for college?" "What if ...
you had $100,000 dollars?" "What if ...
you had a million dollars?" "What if ...
you managed this money yourself?" "What if ...
you wanted to study abroad?" "What if ...
?" The more you can talk about, the more potential you have for intimacy in your relationships and family.
Peership is foundational to intimacy I define intimacy as "talk about anything." The more you can talk about, the more potential you have for intimacy in your relationships and family.
And peership-creating a sense of mutuality and respect in our relationships-is foundational to that intimacy.
Practicing peership around everyday money and family wealth topics expands what we can talk about with our children.
And that gives us a win-win in our parenting.
We facilitate a strong sense of self in our children around their financial lives and build more potential for intimacy in our families.