Exploring the later-in-life phase of living
How baby boomer families can start talking and planning together.
A friend and I recently talked about his later-in-life experience as he worked through the impact of his wife's sudden death last year.
We talked about whether he wanted to continue working and his thoughts about getting a house in Florida.
(He was embarrassed that it sounded like such a cliché.) We covered doctor appointments, health, and his kids' concerns that he isn't taking care of himself, and then moved on to estate planning.
We talked about his wish to spend more time with his grandkids (especially golfing with the 15-year-old) and how he might find time for those visits.
This was all during one dinner.
Throughout our conversation, I was reminded that "later-in-life" is a distinct phase of living, and I am in it.
While I am a little younger than my friend, we are both part of the 70 million baby boomers who are moving through this later-in-life phase.
And it's not just we baby boomers who are going through these later-in-life experiences.
Our children and grandchildren are impacted by our choices and decisions about everything from where we live to whether we talk about our health and naming them as beneficiaries.
Families are "wired together" around the later-in-life experience It is useful to identify "later-in-life" as a distinct phase of living.
Naming it makes it a "something." It allows us to reflect on it, tease out the different parts of it, and talk about it, rather than just live our way through it.
There isn't a specific age when we enter later-in-life.
It's more of a reflective phase when we start thinking differently about our choices and decisions.
We assess how our roles, relationships, and families are changing.
And we reexamine our priorities against what brings us fulfillment.
Later-in-life is a reflective phase when we start thinking differently about our choices and decisions.
There is a natural tendency to turn aging and the later-in-life phase into a "private" experience.
I know I don't always want to talk about my newest aches and fears or the planning decisions I am making.
But that's not fair to our families.
I describe the family system as being "wired together." What is happening with one person is experienced by everyone as the impact flows through the system.
I am trying to cultivate a more reflective mindset that sees later-in-life as another developmental phase for me and my "wired together" family system.
This phase is filled with many "never been here before" experiences that offer me opportunities to develop new parts of myself and help my family connect more deeply.
The four categories of later-in-life conversations Many of us are fortunate enough to have people who can help us "make sense" of our experiences as we navigate this later-in-life phase of living.
To set you and your family up to do sense-making together, I identified four categories of later-in-life conversations.
The life stages we are living through Within the later-in-life phase, there are four distinct life stages that frame our experiences and conversations around how we are changing.
There are four distinct life stages that frame our experiences and conversations.
I would put myself in the first life stage: work-life choices .
I am actively talking to my wife and kids about how much I want or need to work and what work means to me.
These conversations and choices impact my family across three generations-me and my wife, my kids, and the grandkids.
The second life stage is transitions .
This is when we start thinking about what "retirement" might mean: downsizing, where we want to live, spending time with family and friends, and traveling.
This is generally an incremental process of life change and family transitions.
The third life stage is dependent care .
This is a continuum of conversations from acknowledging new levels of dependence to discussing changing needs around our living situation.
My father is in a nursing home, totally dependent on others.
But his dependence started when we helped him navigate my mother's death, including paying his bills, asking him not to drive, and helping him realize he couldn't effectively manage his own medications.
The fourth and final life stage is end-of-life .
This isn't just about our death.
It is about having conversations that create a shared vision around the end-of-life experience for the whole family.
Our wealth choices and decisions Transparency is at the heart of our wealth choices and decisions.
The question is, "Am I giving people the information they need to make sense of our family's financial realities-today and into the future?" When we keep everything secretive, we create "wondering anxiety" in the family.
People wonder what's going to happen and how it might impact them.
Transparency conversations can be broken into two parts: "Who gets what?" and "When do they get it?" Am I giving people the information they need to make sense of our family's financial realities?
The guiding principle around "Who gets what?" is to give family members as much voice as possible while reminding them voice does not necessarily mean vote.
Start by asking about their wishes.
For example, explore what possessions have special meaning, their thoughts on family properties, their interests in investments, and importantly, how your planning can consider their needs.
The guiding principle around "When do they get it?" is to talk about "today" needs and interests and not just assume everything should be "someday" giving.
This can include funding the grandkids' education, helping children finance a new home, yearly gifting, supporting a nanny, or giving an inheritance that allows your kids to live a future lifestyle sooner.
"Today" conversations can also surface potential fears around giving versus hiding those fears in our will.
Our health choices and decisions The later-in-life phase is full of health choices and decisions, but ironically, health is one of the least talked about later-in-life topics.
To help us reflect on our health conversations, I have divided them into three categories.
The later-in-life phase is full of health choices and decisions.
The first category is planning for the future .
This includes topics like healthcare proxies, power of attorney, end-of-life directives, paying for health insurance, long-term care, and support around a major decline in health.
It also includes conversations around the financial realities associated with health and care, and family members' roles and responsibilities.
The second category is managing ongoing care .
Many family members, even spouses, don't always know our full health situation.
Managing ongoing care means discussing health conditions, medications, and doctor appointments-and possibly establishing regular check-ins around a plan and participating in doctor appointments.
The third category is thinking ahead for a health incident .
The later-in-life stage will have a range of incidents, from falls, crashes, or a stroke or heart attack to diagnoses, surgeries, and recovery.
Thinking ahead means running conversational scenarios around who will care for you and how, what network of health professionals you will access, and the financial realities associated with potential care.
The family process and experience Later-in-life decision-making is complex.
Across all these decisions is the lurking issue of change of control -who makes what decisions when.
It spans everything from deciding on what activities seem safe to participate in to where we live, whether we drive, and what surgeries we have, all the way through to complete dependence.
On the legal front, there are things such as joint signatures on accounts, power of attorney, homeownership, medical proxies, and end-of-life directives.
At the heart of these questions are the roles and responsibilities of family members.
What if family members co-created a change-of-control pathway together?
This process would bring clarity to all family members and provide a greater sense of voice and agency to the senior generation versus wondering about the unknown future.
What if family members co-created a change-of-control pathway together?
Finally, this type of intentional process can bring the whole family more peace of mind .
Peace of mind can be defined as "a state untroubled by worry." That sounds inviting...
but it doesn't just happen.
Families must be committed to having conversations about both the functional-financial and emotional-relational parts of the later-in-life experience and planning process.