Unlocking your family conversations about charitable giving
4 skills for talking with your children about giving interests and plans.
My wife, Allison, and I recently attended the opening of a new theater in Naples, Florida.
At one point in the evening, I took a picture of a small plaque recognizing a donation we had made.
It said, "From The Habbershon Family." I was about to text it to my kids but paused.
I wasn't sure if we had discussed it with all of them.
So when I sent it, with a message congratulating them on "our" donation, I added a "haha" at the end.
And we all know what that means ...
"Oops, I'm not fully comfortable." Allison and I have always had charitable interests, but recently we've been thinking about them from a larger family and planning perspective.
In the past, we hadn't made philanthropy an intentional part of our advisor planning or family conversations.
The experience with the theater plaque reinforced that we needed a different process.
Changing the process around giving decisions To date, I would describe our charitable giving as largely around two interests.
My four adult children and I all went to the same college, and we support the entrepreneurship program there.
In addition, Allison and I live in Naples and have philanthropic causes linked to that community.
As we think about having more family conversations around charitable giving, there are some reasons why setting up a more formal process feels a bit daunting.
For one, our giving just happened out of our individual interests, and changing that takes effort.
Also, we didn't think that our giving was significant enough to warrant a more intentional process.
And mostly, we aren't clear on what our giving future looks like.
So how can families like mine begin to have more intentional conversations that don't feel too hard or too complex?
I have coached families to simplify complexity using what I call "Conversation Cues." These four skills can help all of us expand our generational conversations around charitable giving interests and planning.
How can families have more intentional conversations that don't feel too hard or too complex?
Tease Out-Bracket Off When something feels complex-or we wonder where to start-it is usually because we are treating the topic as one big issue.
But it generally isn't.
This is where the skill of Tease Out-Bracket Off can help.
It's a sorting and prioritizing skill.
You tease out the parts of an issue, and then decide what to deal with now versus what to put in "brackets" for a future conversation.
Tease out the parts of an issue, and then decide what to deal with now.
So, let's tease out the different parts of family charitable giving.
There are individual interests and commitments.
There are generational perspectives.
There are values and passions.
There are financial and timing considerations.
And, of course, there is how you make decisions as individuals and as a collective family.
In my family's giving conversations, we probably need to start by exploring each other's interests and commitments.
We could then bring values and passions out of a bracket while identifying a continuing agenda of other topics to discuss.
Hint: Remember that these conversations are about curiosity-understanding each other-not about decision-making.
It sounds like, "Let's explore each other's thinking by just asking questions.
We don't need to debate which ideas are good or bad ...
and we don't need to make any decisions." 2.
Voice-Vote When we want to talk about giving, it's important to practice having "voice" conversations that do not involve having a vote in the outcome.
Parents are often afraid to talk about topics, because they think having a conversation means everyone gets to make the decision.
Acknowledging the difference between voice and vote can alleviate this worry.
It's important to practice having 'voice' conversations that do not involve having a vote in the outcome.
This distinction is definitely true in the charitable giving space.
Since a family's giving is often driven by the senior generation's interests, commitments, values and passions-not to mention their charitable wealth-confusing voice and vote can limit family engagement.
The senior generation may worry about the next generation wanting a vote.
And the next generation may not know how to get a voice for sharing their interests.
You can create conversation boundaries simply by clarifying when you are seeking voice and when you are inviting your family to have vote.
For example, Allison and I see our community giving as an opportunity for the kids to have awareness and voice.
But around supporting our college's entrepreneurship program, I have offered both voice and a vote.
Hint: The voice-vote distinction creates safety.
Generally speaking, the senior generation needs to invite more voice, and the next generation needs to be comfortable not always having a vote.
Wish-Fear Wishes are an intimate part of who we are.
But we don't always think of them that way because the word gets used in so many contexts.
We also tend to overlook that our fears-the flip side of our wishes-are equally intimate and vulnerable.
I see both sentiments expressed around charitable giving.
Our wish to help others and make an impact is deeply rooted in our values and passions.
Our fears around how funds are used and the role different organizations play are always part of the charitable conversation.
Asking family members about their wishes and fears around charitable giving is a great conversation starter.
In a family I coach, the simple act of surfacing the different generation's fears and flipping them to wishes totally unlocked the family giving conversation.
Allison and I haven't intentionally done that in our family, yet.
But it's a conversation we have put on our continuing agenda.
Asking family members about their wishes and fears around charitable giving is a great conversation starter.
Hint: Honor each other's wishes and fears.
Then use linking questions to explore what they might mean for your giving.
Linking questions sound like, "How does this wish/fear impact ...
your giving choices?" 4.
Today-Someday The Today-Someday conversation cue is a powerful generational frame for all planning and giving conversations.
Whether we're talking about annual gifting to our children versus an inheritance, or giving to causes and organizations today versus at the end of our lives, this skill starts the right conversation.
By "right conversation," I mean it sets your family up to talk about your planning and giving intentions, rather than defaulting to having "someday" conversations that may not happen at all.
Though we are just getting started, I definitely want most of my charitable giving to be in the "today" timeframe.
Allison and I need to align around this "today" approach and discuss some guiding principles.
Then, we need to talk to my kids about what today versus someday giving means to them.
My wish is to see the impact of our giving while learning about and supporting my children's giving interests.
Talk to your family about what today versus someday giving means to them.
Hint: Today-someday is a useful charitable giving frame that helps you expand into a larger generational planning conversation.
Think of charitable giving conversations as transparency moments that create incremental co-planning opportunities for your family.
Create opportunities to connect as a family There are sometimes hesitancies to view our charitable giving as a shared family conversation and activity.
But we can turn these hesitancies into opportunities to connect as a family.
That's what happens when we tease out the different parts of our giving experiences and talk about them.
When the senior generation invites voice from the next generation.
When both generations share their wishes and fears.
And when the family adopts a "today" planning mindset around their charitable giving.