Will you be ready for "Black Diamond Conversations"?
Build the skills you need to talk about hard topics in the future.
For years, I taught a course on family business succession at a university in Chile.
On one occasion, my wife, Allison, and I decided to visit a ski resort in the Andes mountains.
We don't ski, but the views are amazing.
As we were drinking wine and watching people flying down those very hard "black diamond" slopes, I said, "If I did that, I would seriously injure myself." And it wasn't hyperbole.
Yet many people were skiing them and having fun.
I remember thinking, "I wish I could handle those slopes." That experience led me to draw parallels between skiing and generational conversations.
I realized that the two things about skiing difficult slopes are also features of hard transition conversations-they are risky and take practice.
And I reflected on how we often wish we could do something, even while knowing that we haven't developed the skills to do it.
The phrase 'Black Diamond Conversations' describes generational transition conversations that can feel hard or risky.
We can all practice for Black Diamond Conversations SM After my experience in Chile, I started using the phrase "Black Diamond Conversations" to describe generational transition conversations that can feel hard or risky.
They are black diamond because they're complex and full of emotion with different views, decisions, and vulnerabilities wrapped up together with our family history.
Most of us have experienced some of these conversations already.
They include working through an early dementia diagnosis, deciding how to transfer ownership of a family lake house, deciding what to do with a family business or other assets, and navigating health directives and end-of-life decision-making.
As with skiing, your family can prepare for these hard conversations.
You just need to set up what I call "bunny slope conversations" to practice skills before the conversational slopes get too steep.
Set up 'bunny slope conversations' to practice skills before the conversational slopes get too steep.
There are two types of bunny slope conversations: One is practicing skills on easier everyday topics, and the other is practicing on hard topics long before a decision is needed and emotions will be running high.
Bunny slope practice #1-Easier everyday topics Begin by familiarizing yourself with the Talk About Anything Skills SM .
Then be on the lookout for life moments to use those skills.
Here are some examples of skills and scenarios.
Use process questions to check in with people about how they are experiencing a situation.
You could ask, "Did you feel heard when we talked about Thanksgiving?" Or "How are you feeling about our family vacation planning?" (That's practice for conversations like "How do you feel about our lake house conversation?") Use key word questions to explore the meaning of what people say.
If your spouse says, "I'm pretty frustrated with your work schedule," ask, "What's frustrating for you?" Or in response to "I'm nervous about buying this new house," ask, "What is making you nervous?" (That's practice for conversations like "What concerns you about your sister being my health proxy?") Create space with doubt to help others join a conversation.
Instead of saying "You never listen to me," try, "I am not feeling heard right now." Instead of asserting "We should eat at our house," say, "I'm wondering about having dinner at our place." (That's practice for conversations like "What would you think about moving in with me?") We can use hard topics for practice by talking about them without the pressure of an immediate decision.
Bunny slope practice #2-Hard topics long before a decision is needed Hard topics are always hard.
But we can use them for practice by talking about them without the pressure of an immediate decision.
Our research discovered the top five later-in-life topics families are most unwilling to talk about.
Each one of them offers a great opportunity for practice.
Thinking ahead for a health incident: Discuss health scenarios, hospitals, doctors, health directives, and family roles.
Giving family assets: Discuss giving intentions, needs and wishes, principles for fairness, who has a voice, and how decisions get made.
Dependence and dependent living: Discuss dependence scenarios, wishes and fears, living options and realities, and finances.
End of life and death: Discuss wishes, intentions and plans, end-of-life experiences, stories, and legacy.
Peace of mind: Discuss what would give your family peace of mind, what creates anxiety, transparency, and involvement in planning.
Here are three quick coaching hints for having these conversations: One, use the frame "What if?" to explore options rather than making decisions.
Two, ask curious questions rather than debating opinions.
Three, be humble and gentle, because even practice topics are real and vulnerable.
Be humble and gentle, because even practice topics are real and vulnerable.
Don't wait-just start practicing Let me go back to the wish.
Even when we are afraid to address hard topics, there is an implicit wish that we could talk about them.
We just need the skills and practice to tap into the wish and practice on the bunny slopes.
I describe intimacy as "talk about anything." The more we can talk about, the more potential we have for intimacy.
Learning to "ski" these Black Diamond Conversations is a way to ensure that our approach to generational planning helps our families grow closer through time.